You spent precious hours at wedding dress boutiques hunting down a flawless gown.
You went to salon after salon, auditioning makeup artists and subsequently, relieving them of their duties when they smeared drag queen eye shadow on your quivering eyelids (thanks, but no thanks). And you emptied your bank account to purchase a “something new” necklace, the kind so extravagant, it shines in pitch blackness.
The wedding is all.about.you. You planned it. You obsessed over every detail. You may have, in unbridezilla fashion, even payed for it.
And now the day has arrived. This is your moment. All your power couple fantasies are about to come true. All eyes should be glued to you as you glide towards your better half.
But no.
There’s a bridezilla thunderstealer in your midst.
Like a garden weed, the thunderstealer zaps the attention and recognition a bridezilla has labored to gain.
Famous Thunderstealers: Lauren Conrad at Heidi and Spencer’s Wedding. Rachel at Ross and Emily’s wedding on Friends.
5 Wedding-Day Thunderstealers
1. Tycoon-type Fathers
Chelsea can’t hold a candle to Bill
Poor Chelsea Clinton. We’re guessing she’s going to live in the (exceptionally large) shadow of her father on her wedding day. Bridezillas with wealthy and still-sexy-over- 60 fathers have a hard time garnering any attention on their wedding days because every wedding guest stands in line to schmooze with the dad who made the “wedding on a yacht” happen.
What to do: You can’t uninvite your father, the affable man who paid for this shindig, but you can tell him to tone down the business dealings. Consider selecting a middle class and more mediocre uncle to walk you down the aisle.
Or hire an aisle-escort and tell daddy to disappear for a few hours, at least during the ceremony, so you can won’t hear any whispers of “That’s her Dad. They summer in the Hamptons. If I make an impression during this wedding, I’ll be sunbathing next to celebrities in no time.”
2. Pregnant Bridesmaid
Nothing steals a bride’s thunder faster than a so-preggo-she-looks-like-a-blowfish bridesmaid. Whispers of “when is she due?” “what names did they pick…” as well as your guests cooing to the unborn and caressing the bridesmaid’s belly when they should be doing the chicken dance is every zillas’ worst nightmare.
What to do: Fire your bridesmaid if she’s going to be more than 5 months pregnant on your wedding date. You’re doing her a favor. She won’t have to waddle down the aisle, sit stone-cold sober and cranky at your bachelorette party, or find a maternity bridesmaid gown. She can wear flats, be a guest, and not have to stuff her swollen grape stompers into stilettos.
She’ll thank you. And you’ll get to enjoy YOUR WEDDING without all your guests joking about a wedding day delivery (because your bridesmaid going into labor at your wedding would be freakin’ hilarious) and asking when you’re going to have a little ‘zilla (not in your lifetime).
3. Devil in a White Dress
Oh no she didn’t
There’s room for one, I repeat, one white dress per wedding.
Your mother-in-law parades into your wedding wearing an ivory gown. Wafts of her signature Chanel No. 5 fill the room. Everyone stops and stares at the weirdo in the white frock, holding her son’s arm like she’s gripping the last Kate Spade bag on Earth.
How to Deal: It is perfectly proper to ask your mother and monster-in-law if they picked out a mother-in-law dress or, better yet, invite them shopping. Fuchsia. Tangerine. Copper. Even gray. No white.
4. Dancing Groom
Photo Credit: Liberty D8
He shimmies. He shakes. He does the worm. He’s fluid, beautiful, Baryshnikov and you’re the clumsy bride who looks like she’s trying to escape a swarm of bees. Must guests form a circle around him? Years later, when people talk about your wedding, they won’t reminisce about your $10,000 wedding dress or peacock feather centerpieces; all they’ll ever talk about are his sweet moves.
How to Deal: Tell him he’s a bad dancer a few days before the wedding. When his favorite song blasts through the reception hall, he’ll settle for staying in his chair and tapping his toes while you pirouette into stardom.
5. The “Hot” Sister
Let the eye rolling begin. She was the baby without the baby fat. She’s never felt the pangs of an awkward phase, never had a pimple, a breakup, or a run in her nylons.
She’s the single-and-fabulous hot sister who lives in Manhattan and who, every groomsmen has asked about. Even the vomit-green dress you so deliberately picked out does not stop the hot sister. The sounds of jaws hitting the floor ring through the ceremony as she makes her grand entrance.
You trail behind like a mere bridesmaid. Wait – this is your wedding!
How to Deal: Pick out the ugliest dress possible. Hire her the worst hairstylist you can find. And make sure she falls asleep in the tanning bed a few days before the wedding.
Did anyone steal your much-deserved zilla thunder? Comment below and tell us how you got it back!
No comments…lol!
These are retarded…