Posted by jade on 28 May, 2008
1) “I’m my own boss.” When a fledgling Bridezilla hears this, her mind may be flooded by images of CEO’s, software entrepreneurs, and other presidential brass. Wrong! No CEO would ever use this expression. He would say “I own my own company.” A subtle distinction, but a huge one. “I’m my own boss” is the universal code for all drug dealers, magazine subscription salesmen, Cutco knife dealers, and other unsavories. If you hear a feller utter these words, flee, and find someone who is adult enough to handle authority-specifically, yours, when you become his wife.
2) “I don’t like plastic.” Translation: “I do not have a checking account.” No matter what altruistic principles or identity theft horror stories he presents to support the fact that he only carries cash, having no bank account is simply subversive behavior that hints at shady doings. He is either a fugitive from the law or has amazingly bad credit, or is far too eccentric to consider something as conventional as marriage. Regardless, when his two month’s salary comes in crumpled ones out of his glove compartment, head for the hills.
3) “Drama!” Any guy who uses this expression to refer to anything other than his favorite King Lear reenactment is an evil player who must be avoided. Such cretins use this phrase as a way to make girls feel ashamed for complaining about things like checking out your sister/mother/daughter or arriving three days late for dates. The second a guy tells you that you are being a “drama queen,” head for the door. He’s not the one, hon.
4) *Forgoes speech in favor of abrupt grinding of your knee on dance floor.* While this is sadly a common practice, even in today’s modern “hook-up” culture, chemistry cannot outweigh chivalry. Such grinders generally also have a disconcerting lack of rhythm and zero conversational skills, all unacceptable qualities in a mate. Swat him down like a dog and move on.
5) “My friend dared me to come over and talk to you.” Not only is this horribly transparent and unoriginal, it shows he is still stuck in the frat boy mentality of succumbing to peer pressure. Unless Old School is your idea of a love story, avoid him. Otherwise you will be dodging his homo-erotic homies and horrible beer-spattered living conditions for as long as you both shall live. You need a real man who speaks for himself.
6) “My friend thinks your hot but I told him you aren’t.” Such reverse psychology is so Swingers-tired we really have no patience for it in this day and age. This is the same guy who gets drunk and spews venom about how “nice guys never get the chick” and you have to “be a jerk to get laid.” Emotional abuse has gone the way of S & M in terms of foreplay. It may have been a perverse turn-on at one point, but now you’re tired of it. If one of these losers approaches you, tell him you’ve seen that movie too and keep moving.
7) “Can I have cigarette/lighter, bite of what you’re eating?” Sadly, Bridezilla has seen variations of this pick-up line increase in popularity. We call it the Kevin Federline syndrome. Rather than buying you a drink or perhaps a rose from a nearby street vendor, this stray dog of a dude figures he can strike up a conversation with you by asking you for a favor. This is all wrong, and must not be tolerated. If you give him a cigarette now, he’ll be sleeping on your couch in a week, and borrowing money in a month. Walk away!
Marriages also do not spark from any variation of the following:
Any version of hand-holding fortune telling.
Any version of having to call his mother.
Any version of just breaking up with someone.