You don’t want her in your wedding party anymore. Maybe she was laid off and you want to spare her the cost of those Vera Wang bridesmaid gowns. Maybe she refused to cover her giant skull-and-snake tattoo or dye her hair from bubble-gum pink back to brown before the Big Day. Maybe she’ll be eight-months pregnant, and you don’t want her waddling down the aisle, stealing attention from you with her baby bump and pregnancy glisten.
Years ago, I was demoted from Maid of Honor to mere first-to-walk bridesmaid and without just cause. The bride asked me in the early planning stages to be her Maid of Honor. Months later, after she got a new best friend, she asked “Do you still want to be a um… bridesmaid?” Ouch. I performed my bridesmaid duties, but with the bitter taste in my mouth, I could barely enjoy the wedding cake much less muster a smile.
There is a proper way to break up with your bridesmaid. And it doesn’t involve back-talking, text messages, or a tear-filled scene straight out of Mean Girls. Read on and learn how to let a girl go, bridezilla style.
Choose carefully. Once you send her a Will You Be My Bridesmaid Card, you can’t take it back. Choose your wedding party the way the President picks his Cabinet. Is she your best friend through thick and thin or just some girl you met at the bus stop? Can she meet a bridezilla’s constant-and-often-times thankless demands? Is she excited about your wedding or awash in envy?
Never fire in front of other bridesmaids. If you have to give your bridesmaid the bridezilla boot, do it in private. Don’t embarrass her in front of the other girls. Anticipate a tantrum? Take her to lunch or the library and she’ll be “ssshed” if she tries to make a scene. It’s the oldest trick in the break-up book.
Tell it to her straight. Resist the urge to drunkenly text your bridesmaid, “U R not in my wedding party anymore.” Be strong and direct, say “I’d like you to step down as a bridesmaid.” Then give her the reason why: “Comparing the guy I’m about to marry to a less-cute Gary Busey is unacceptable.” Or “When I ask you to do something, you move at the rate of a three-toed sloth.” Follow it up with “I hope we can still be friends and that you’ll attend the wedding as a guest.”
Prepare for fallout Hurt feelings and humiliation from being asked to step down almost ruined my longtime relationship with “the Demoter”. When you ask a bridesmaid to resign, you put your friendship on the chopping block. Don’t be surprised if she throws your wedding gown into a bonfire or turns her rage into a revenge blog (ahem). See if you could resolve the situation before it calls for a firing. Let her go as a very last resort.
I actually had to do this. My Maid of Honour had zero time or interest in the wedding and would grumble and often not show up for fittings (scheduled around her). However my first bridesmaid was practically living at my house, helping me with things until midnight, always asking what else she could do. The last straw came when she informed that neither her, nor herboyfriend (who was also in the party) would be able to get off work until noon on the wedding day. I had to make the switch and needless to say it caused hard feelings. I haven’t spoken to the former MOH since the wedding but i realized it is not a friendship I miss. My advice is when you are chosing you MOH to consider how wrapped up they are in thier own life. If in your life before wedding you have to chase them to make plans or for an RSVP they are probably too involved with everything else in their life to make a good MOH.
It all ended hapily however, My new MOH was amazing, best ever, and my increasedfriendship with her totally amkesup for losing a fair-weather friend.
Erin, good advice- pick your MOH carefully and pick someone who actually has time to be your MOH.
After I was demoted, everyone wondered why I wasn’t planning the bridal shower. Hello! I wasn’t the MOH anymore!
I made the mistake of agreeing to be my sister’s MOH. I was doing my PhD thesis during the last couple of months running up to the wedding (defended the next month) and thus had no time to do anything for her! After I ‘failed’ to plan her wedding shower to her satisfaction, I fired myself. I simply told her I was unable to do the duties of her MOH. I was still a bridesmaid, and she had a good friend from high school as her new MOH. Everything went well after that, and the damage to our relationship was minimal. Best thing I ever did.
After having been “fired” from being a long-time friend’s MOH (not enough questions about her gluten-free wedding cupcakes, not reading between the lines of her mother’s “no, no, no, I don’t want any help planning the shower,” after having asker her mother multiple times what I could do, not being a bride-mind-reader or inherently “knowing” what was expected of me, not asking when “specifically” the invitations were being mailed out, taking a vacation when the bride’s second dress fitting was planned, and other such gross malevolent inconsiderate behaviors), I came to realize: When someone straight-up pushes you off a moving bus, don’t get back on.
My sister demoted me. Via email. A month before the wedding. After I had already put in months and months of work.
She thinks all is fine now, a couple months post-wedding. Honestly? I plan to never talk to her again. I no longer consider her my sister.
I am in the horrible situation of having to sack one of my bridesmaids who was, I thought, a friend I could depend on for life. Demanding 5 inch heels – “not flat ropey things: and you don’t want us all to look like clones”, telling me to keep the service snappy, telling me that she refuses to sing any hymns unless it’s “Morning has Broken”, she couldn’t be bothered to get her measurements, she asked who “was paying for this momentous occasion” and told me to remind her nearer the time of the date, and that she didn’t think it would clash with her horse riding.
Despite this, at the end of the day, although I am the one doing the sacking, I am the one who is most upset. I wish I had never asked her.
This is a great article. I unfortunatly am planning on booting my long time ‘friend’ as MOH this evening. I’m glad that I’m not the only one that has to commit such a social faux pas. I’ve known her since I was 4 and even though she has always ‘been there’ shes never really been there for me, its always been about her. It was a huge mistake asking her to be my MOH and I know that once I talk to her the friendship – or whatever you want to call it will be over. I havent expected her to do anything more for the wedding than just be excited for me when I call her all excited about something and order her damned dress and she hasnt done either yet even though I’ve brought both subjects up repeatidly. Please be careful who you ask and really think about what you will expect from them, I think its better to make someone jealous over who you picked to be in your bridal party and why than having to ‘breakup’ with them later…cuz’ I know this conversation later wont go well.
So to follow up what I already posted. I just got ahold of my MOH to demote her…I think I’ve had a harder time cancelling a coffee date with a friend. The reponse I got was “well its ok its your wedding do what you want” and she went on to talk about HER…and at the end of it, it was “talk to you soon”!!
Somehow I’m not surprised.
My fiance talked me out of sacking my bridesmaid … and in the end I wrote her an honest email about how unacceptable the things she has said were. My bridesmaid has since emailed me back and apologised. Lets hope it all works out now …
Ouch … your MOH sounds just like my friend! Goodluck with the rest of your wedding planning 🙂
Good to know you avoided firing her. It really is an awkward situation and sometimes you’re left with no other option.
Be strong and channel your inner bridezilla!
I had to fire one, and it was absolutely horrible. I tried to be nice and ask her to step up to the responsibilities because the only appt she told me she could make it to was the actual wedding day! She was very rude, calling all my other bridesmaid lazy in comparison to her etc . . . . I tried to remain friends and even invited her to the wedding. She flipped out and started saying really mean things to me and then her and her husband went on Facebook and started bad mouthing me, saying I was a B*@#% and a Bridezilla. I am still very upset about it, but I guess I’m better off not having a person like that in my life.
I am considering asking my bridesmaid to step down but feel aweful doing this. But at the end of the day she has been acting like a child since I asked her!! I have tried to be the bigger person and initiate meeting up and having a chat but she cancelled so have arranged to meet up again but am feeling really resentful about the stress and hurt she has caused. Really thought that I had chosen my best friend who I’d have fun choosing dresses with, etc Was told she could only make dress shopping in a month and a halfs time when I was getting married in 6 months after the proposal and that I needed to take leave to suit her schedule, then when I asked another friend who was more flexible the bidesmaide didn’t even respond to my excited text that I had found my dress:(. Came to stay with us for a weekend later was an absolute nightmare and made catty comments the whole time, also made angry comments about girls settling for the men the marry(????!!!) am I been too analytical-she is very single!!!
Then complained about the dress that I chose, that was exactly like the one she had said that she had liked online, complained that her arms would look fat and it was too formal. Questioned my request that they don’t wear heels three times, I am only 5ft 2 and she is at least 5ft 8. Come on the dress is long and no one will see her shoes but was told that it would look weird with flats!!! Then when I sent a heart felt mail( hate confrontation) offering for her to step down as she’s sooo busy, etc was asked if she sensed a tone that she was not respecting my wishes for my special day!!!??? And said it was an honour to be my bridesmaid. Just assumed I was paying for the dress. Never bothered to tell me if she has even ordered it and we never speak anymore !! No mention of hens party plans, etc. I have scheduled to chat next weekend after she cancelled my last attempt at trying to meet up!!! But feeling that no matter what is said next weekend the damage has already been done and will think of how much she hates the dress, etc. What would you do? Ironically wish I’d never asked her!!!
My moh asked me what I wanted for my bachlorette party and when I told her said that she had already planned it and that that was not at all what she had in mind and sorry that she couldn’t make me happy and then her husband called me a bridezilla for “sneering” at her idea. I didn’t even know I had. And if she already had it planned, Why even ask me what I wanted if I “sneered”, apparently she didn’t know me as well as she thought she did. I don’t know if I should “fire” her or not. I’ve spent this whole wedding trying to please everyone else and I’m gonna wind up being miserable for my wedding
I have just demoted my MOH. I get married in 3 months time and she decided to go and have a tummy tuck at the end of January which has a recovery period of 6-10 weeks and then booked a holiday 4 weeks before the wedding for 2 weeks. I feel really bad at having to do this but she but everyone else is picking up the peices and giving the support and I don’t think its right she turn up on the day to look good in her dress when everyone else has done the hard work!
I am having a hard time trying to decide if I should fire a bridesmaid. The kind of person and parent she used to be is not who she is now. She is making very bad decisions that are affecting not only her but the welfare of her children. She refuses to consider that maybe she is wrong. This all stemming from a new guy in her life. He has threatened her ex husband as well as mutual friends and clearly he is not welcome to my wedding. I hate to do it but I am not sure I have any options. I am having a hard time trying to justify surrounding myself and my friends and family around such toxic negativity. Ugh!!!!
On the other end of the spectrum.. just looking for some opinions..
I was asked to be a bridesmaid by one of my best friends. She became pregnant and then got engaged. I have been so excited for her so supportive, love her fiance and her child. The wedding is in 5 months. She told me today that she doesnt want me in her wedding anymore, she wants her best friends up there with her. I very much consider her one of my best friends and thought she felt the same way. She feels as though we have drifted apart, and while I can admit that since she has moved away and began a new chapter in her life, we dont talk and see each other as much as we used to when we lived in the same town and were in college together, but in no way do i value her less as a person or value our friendship less. Infact i think its important to have the kind of friends that will always be there for you despite the fact that you cant see them every week/weekend. This bride plans to put another girl in my place. Ive already paid for my dress.. etc.. I just feel as though i didnt deserve to be given the boot and replaced. and while i know it is her wedding and i want her to be happy and have what she wants, i just dont understand it… comments?
Michelle, are you still going to the wedding?
Hi
Myself and 3 of my bridesmaids have had an argument surrounding the hen weekend which happened last week.One of them a longtime friend let me down 3 months ago after saying she would go then arranging a family holiday which clashed.Another,my niece to be,let me down on the day before with a rubbish excuse then the last one(sister in law to be) let me down an hour before we were setting off.Originally we were going to Manchester but as the numbers(5) were so low I decided Blackpool would be the better option.I still went even though only 3 of us went and had a great time but comments have been left on facebook calling me childish and selfish.I don’t want to leave it till the wedding day in 2 weeks to sort things out but I am extremely upset that I was let down by my bridesmaids.What shall i do?
I’m in a wedding and the bride wants to desperately fire a bridesmaid but is too scared to do so. This particular bridesmaid is a negative soul and a bully and the bride, for lack of better words, is a wimp. I offered to send this letter to the evil bridesmaids.
AXXXXXX:
You suck. For the love of Jesus, please, please pick out a dress by Nov. 30th or kindly step your fat ass down as a bridesmaid. The Bride is tired of hearing all about YOUR problems when it comes to the wedding. It’s her day — AND it’s her time leading up to the wedding. She should be worried about fitting her own ass in to her own dress, not your ass fitting in to your dress. Get a clue or get out. There isn’t enough Prozac in the world to deal with you as a Bridesmaid.
Please go ruin someone else’s day.
Love,
Me, Bridesmaid Extraordinaire