Bridezilla Reveals: The Inconvenient Truth About Green Weddings

Posted by on 26 Aug, 2007

A Green Wedding
It’s not that Bridezilla was born without a social conscience, exactly. But having grown exceedingly weary of the onslaught of bridal magazine ads, radio spots, and Leo Decaprio-type commercials all touting the green wedding trend, Bridezilla has no choice but to reveal the real inconvenient truth: despite all the buzz, most brides aren’t actually having green weddings. And there are perfectly good reasons why not.
Read on to learn the top five reasons why-like communism-green weddings look great on vegan recycled paper, but have a ways to go before their practice becomes truly prevalent.

5 Because brides today are more concerned with endangered tradition than an endangered environment.

In modern times, our endangered environment is equal only to our endangered traditional values, and it’s the latter brides choose to embrace on their big day.As religion becomes more generic, the nuclear family is all but obsolete, and Christmas becomes a “happy holiday,” brides are clinging to to the last bastion of tradition still socially acceptable to celebrate. In an increasingly cynical world, brides know their wedding might be the final shred of sacredness or history they experience, and they want to revel in that on their big day. That’s why no matter how liberated brides today become, the majority still wear white, don’t hyphenate, have their dads walk them down the aisle, and get married by a minister. As long as environmentally-friendly wedding restrictions clash with traditional wedding elements like confetti, strewn rose petals, and printed wedding invites, green weddings have no chance of taking genuine root.

4 Personalization conquers political correctness.

For every instance of the buzzword “green weddings,” the term “personalization” springs up just as stubbornly. Brides are conditioned that this is their special day, which ipso facto is defined by the amount of specialization that goes into it. You don’t have to be a Bridezilla to know that no bride is going to forsake a Vera Wang couture gown in favor of some mildewed vintage number that wreaks of mothballs and body odor for “their” special day. Similarly, green wedding ideology that naively champions using seasonal tulips over your signature dahlias, going with plain napkins instead of the professionally-monogrammed version, or forgoing an outstanding bridezilla-sized canary diamond in favor of a less controversial plain band, have no chance of flourishing. Bridezilla knows: until green weddings are no longer synonymous with generic weddings, they will never supersede traditional weddings.

3 Green Weddings are bad business.

According to a Seattle Post-Intelligencer article, green wedding menus are 20-30% more expensive than traditional weddings, and organic bouquets cost more as well. This steep price hike alone signals the demise of green weddings one and all. No bride is going to slash friends and family off the guest list just to be able to afford free range chicken, or choose a more costly nuts and berries bouquet over say, chocolate orchids shot through with Swarovski crystals.
And cost isn’t the only barrier that makes green weddings bad business. Factor in severely less selection and generally sub-par quality, and realize that only the most devout Berkeley Brides are going to choose Birkenstocks over Manolo Blahniks on the big day. Again, until elegance and environmental responsibility aren’t mutually exclusive anymore, green wedding will remain nothing more than a buzzword.

2 Green weddings are not guest-friendly weddings.

The average wedding guest gets between 4-7 wedding invitations a summer. Faced with these odds, are people going to choose the green wedding with the edamame and nutella menu, or the bridezilla wedding down the block featuring filet mignon and Dom Perignon?
Indeed, there’s no doubt guests grimace the second they see “green-friendly” on the wedding invite. With images of dirge singing and dream catchers dancing in potential guest’s heads, the couple ends up with a much more environmentally-friendly wedding than they ever wanted, as those invited send their brown dried flowered invites straight to the recycling bin, do not go, do not spend two hundred dollars on a wedding gift.
In general, green weddings are no party for guests. Bridezilla read a New York Times article about the bride who filled her wedding weekend with cumbersome hikes and potato biodegradable forks. This imposition of ethical extremism sounds just as high-maintenance and demanding as we traditional bridezillas, who get a bad rap for gasp!- asking guests to fly to a tropical island, charge a fabulous dress and spring for a posh hotel room. Bottom line: The green wedding is just as imposing as the bridezilla wedding, and we guarantee it’s a lot more grueling and much less fun.

1 Escapism trumps earnest exhibitionism.

Despite living in a hyper-organic society, brides want a break from their usual worries and restrictions on their wedding day. In this way, our increasingly environmental society actually works against the green wedding trend.On the big day, the happy couple want to throw caution and brightly-colored politically-incorrect confetti to the wind and for once not worry about the implications on dolphins, orphans, or third world countries. Bridezilla is no Katie Couric, but that’s definitely the way it is.
Lastly, lest you think Bridezilla has a heart made of non-recycled stone, here is a list 5 Bridezilla-Approved Green Wedding Trends.

1) Donating your centerpieces to sick children at hospitals.
2) Opting for hybrid limos.
3) Donating leftover food to homeless shelters.
4) Getting married in a naturally beautiful setting.
5) Using silk flowers instead of fresh flowers.

Leave a Comment

  1. On 29 Aug, 2007, Crystal said:

    lots of good points – though I disagree with your very last point. Silk flowers over fresh flowers are more “green”? Yes, it does mean that you aren’t using real stuff but look at the facts:
    1. Just as many chemicals are used to grow fresh flowers as are used in the manufacturing process of fake flowers.
    2. Fresh flowers are not like trees – they only take a few weeks / months to grow and can be easily regrown.
    3. At the end of the wedding, fresh flowers are biodegradable and can be composted. Silk flowers will eventually, either now or years down the line, simply create more garbage.
    Just my thoughts on that one:)

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  2. On 29 Aug, 2007, Never teh Bride said:

    Ethical questions aside, I’d totally hit up the nutella menu wedding.

    Reply to this comment