Posted by jade on 12 Apr, 2007
One thing that both pains and puzzles Bridezilla is the way people treat canceled weddings with a level of sorrow more worthy of wakes. Bridezilla says “Congrats on crisis averted!” Marrying the wrong guy is never fabulous – and avoiding doing so is cause for celebration, not consternation.
On that note, here’s a guide to bouncing back from your broken engagement, bridezilla-style. Hint: no canceling reception necessary!
Step 1: Bawl your head off. Okay, so you find out the guy you thought was The One was really The One who Cheated with your Catholic Charity Co-Director. It happens to the best of us and life moves on! Still, even the brightest bridezillas aren’t immune to the sadness of broken hearts, not to mention broken contracts, canceled flights and nonexchangeable bridesmaids dresses. Bridezillas are total type A planners, so the sting of broken plans after all our manic planning is a bitter one. By all means, cry your eyes out for one night. By the next morning however, get ready to take those tears and make tiramisu!
Step 2:Tell people. The guide to doing this is exactly the same as when you announced you were getting engaged. For your close friends, an emotional announcement with blow-by-blow detail is appropriate. For the rest of the world, a factual, formally worded un-invitation cordially counteracting the original invite is just fine. About Weddings.com suggests wording like this:
Announce that the marriage of their daughter
Will not take place as scheduled.”
Step 3: Write a snappy tell-all and make zillions.Conventional post-BE wisdom says you are supposed to walk around like dazed leper in sweats with unwashed hair, avoiding your friends and subsisting on meusli and melancholy.
Bridezilla says, get a blowout, grab your laptop and putter your little Cabrio over to the nearest coffee shop, where you turn that grief into a tell-all bestseller sure to make the chick lit hall of fame! When “concerned” persons try and hound you for details of the split, just tell them your pending literary contract binds you to secrecy, sorry! Bridezilla bonus tip: When times get tough, read “Good in Bed” by Jennifer Wiener for inspiration. If she can bounce back from her fiance outing himself as a chubby chaser, surely there’s hope for you, svelte single one!
Step 4: Turn your pain into pay-day.Conventional wisdom says return everything after break up. Okay, you’ve got to return the wedding gifts. But as far as the stuff he left behind? Bridezilla recommends taking everything of his out of your apartment and selling it on Ebay. Use the proceeds to finance the frivolous thing he would never give you when you were engaged: a cat because he was allergic, a penthouse apartment because he was afraid of heights.
Step 5: Party on, Bridezilla. Conventional wisdom says cancel all wedding events. Bridezilla says, why lose your deposit? Keep the shrimp cocktail on ice and throw a swinging rager of a “Thank God I Didn’t Marry the Wrong Guy” celebration. Your true friends will gladly come party the night away with you.
Step 6: You say sheath, we say chic seat cover. Conventional wisdom says a jilted wedding dress is bad luck.Bridezilla says, pull a reverse Scarlett O’Hara and have a tailor customize your dress into chic curtains or a couch slipcover instead. Beauteous! Or set up a Broken Engagement Fashion Show for almost-brides such as yourself, where fabulous models strut your wedding attire and sell it at a discount price.
Step 7: Take a solo vacation.Next, do like Diane Lane and trade in your honeymoon for a gay tour of somewhere fabulous, like Morocco or Paris. Gay guys are ideal comfort companions because they’re good at the 3 C’s: cuddling, clubs, and compliments. You’ll need plenty of all three to get over this bummer patch in your otherwise brilliant Bridezilla life.
Step 8: Poison pen letters aren’t just for stalkers.Make a list of all the reasons you broke up with him. Keep it with you always. Give copies to your friends so that when you are tempted to call, someone is always there to stop you. Have a default drunk dial person who, when you are tempted to call the ex, you can call instead. Don’t be naive about the amount of accountability you’ll need to keep from contacting him. Even Bridezilla can’t go it by herself!
Things not to do: Get tattoos, get a dramatic short haircut, burn his stuff, boil bunnies in his kitchen – too cliche for a chic femme like yourself.
Seek out a support group for other brides who have broken engagements. Look on community message boards such as iVillage.com for similar souls, or just contact firstname.lastname@example.org. Miss B will happily put the bourbon on.