Posted by jade on 12 Apr, 2007
One of Bridezilla’s pet peeves is brides getting married while they are still wee fledgling zillas who’ve yet to taste the pleasures of life as independent ladies of the world. Yet, in the course of our own wedding planning, we are instantly irked to see teeny-tiny brides running around the wedding shops, acting like they are planning proms with their posse of stick figure friends. Despite being completely prepubescent and totally unready to make such a serious decision, we see these wee precious moments people, these cake-toppers-come-to-life proceed to dopplegang us through the mature serenity of our own wedding planning process. Well, we don’t like it. Thus, Bridezilla has put together ten ways to tell if you are too young to get married. They’re surprisingly simple, so why not read on?!
1) You are still in school. Sorry, but Bridezilla believes that the words “dorm room” and “dom perignon” just do not belong in the same conversation. High school, college and yes, grad-school are incredibly stressful, soul-searching times and trying to circumvent figuring out who you are by getting married is plain irresponsible. First comes diploma, then comes white dress. Trust us, you’ll thank us some day.
2) You want to go to Disneyland or some similar theme park for your honeymoon. It isn’t retro. It isn’t whimsical. If your personal fantasies correspond with that of a six-year-old screaming boy, you are so not ready to get married.
3) Your groom-to-be cuts out of the rehearsal dinner due to the opening of Napoleon Dynamite. We wish we were being euphemistic here, but unfortunately we actually know a girl whose fiance did this. Bridezilla had nightmares for months! Again, hazelnut chicken linguine and locker tater tots don’t mix! Never marry a man who would ditch you for a low-budget Mormon indie flick.Never.
4) Your choices for the processional include Norah Jones, David Gray, or Dave Matthews. Take our word for this, if you choose “Crash into Me” over “Canon in D” you are too young to get married and will be teased mercilessly by your peers during your adult years. You will cringe every time your wedding video is played. Better to save the happening hits for the bachelorette party, or at least choose the instrumental version of Nelly’s “Hot in Herre” for the ceremony.
5) You think the coin jar labeled “beer money” constitutes a wedding budget. Of course it’s possible to create a fine affair with low funds, but if you’re recycling your junior prom dress and wearing it as your wedding gown (again, a true horror Bridezilla has had to face!) perhaps it’s time to wait a few years until you and your husband-to-be are slightly more…financially mature.
6) Your “reception hall” is your one-bedroom apartment. This is an extension of #5 – cutting corners is acceptable, but squishing your family members onto your secondhand couch while the grocery store canapes heat up in the oven is simply beyond the pale. Show respect to your wedding party and yourself by putting the wedding off until you can at least secure space in a park. Preferably Central Park.
7) The wedding invitation of your dreams matches the birthday invitation of your fifth grade year. From cotton candy stripes to cupcakes, your wedding invitations are not the time to exercise your arrested sense of whimsy. If you’re tempted towards Kool-aid bright polka dots and powder-puff trimmings that scream “I got these at Targ-ay baby,” you’re too young to be making the sacred-est of vows.
8) A No-Booze Reception. Regardless of what you’re officiants and in-laws may have told you, it’s time to set the record straight. Sparkling cider doesn’t “taste exactly the same” as champagne. While fruit punch is fine for the prom, fine wines are more the tune for weddings, even if you’re the teetotaling type. And if you’d need a fake I.D. to procure appropriate beverages – darling, you’re too young to be getting married.
9) Your DIY allowance extends beyond one or two lucky happenstances. Sure, having your sister do your makeup is fine – if she’s a makeup artist. If your graphic designer friend wants to make you some fabulous invitations as a gift, that’s lovely! (But check out their website first.) But if your DIY-happy acquaintances lack the professional background to create something truly unique for you, look elsewhere. If you’re even considering doing your own makeup or printing off your own invitations, STOP. You have every day of the rest of your life to do your own makeup, and homemade cards stopped being okay when your class projects stopped involving construction paper.
10) You’re marrying the guy you’ve been dating since you were sixteen. We all know the couple that met and married after a grade school hook- up. They look alike. They talk alike. They hang out with their families constantly and have lost all natural curiosity regarding the modern world. In short, pre-mature mating has made their social life (and individual self-growth) just stop.
Remember, the romanticism of only dating one person is a fiction best left to Mandy Moore movies and other monogamy propaganda. Everyone, yes that’s everyone, needs to date around at least a bit, even if they eventually return to their childhood sweetheart someday. You don’t have to canoodle with the entire Sigma Chi House to earn your Bridezilla stripes, but mark our words: if you don’t experience at least one whole-milk machiatto (hey, you’re being dangerous) with the handsome upperclassman who smiled at you across the quad, you are guaranteeing yourself a mid-life crisis at age 25 and very possibly, an affair. We’re just being honest.Bridezilla says:The fish of the sea are best sampled pre- ceremony, so do it now so you can know for sure later.