Posted by jade on 06 Mar, 2007
Things that make us Bridezilla against our will
1) Our younger sisters announcing their pregnancies at our engagement parties and stealing our thunder.
2) Wedding Barbie. If we didn’t have this little tulle-swathed blonde trollop thrust into our arms at the tender age of three when we could barely chew solid foods, maybe we wouldn’t be so convinced that such perfection is the norm-nor would we have started planning our wedding before we gained basic motor skills.
3) The groom’s pansy lack of involvement. Like, if he would do ANYTHING, maybe we wouldn’t have to do everything. Unless of course “proposing” is suddenly Latin for “passing the buck.” And even if it were, we’d be the ones to know since we are smart and helped them write all their grad school term papers so they would at last finish school at age 30 and finally pop the freaking question already. So the least you fellas could do is help us weave some crinoline around some calla lillies. XOXO
4) Wedding Vendors, a.k.a the White Mafia trying to screw us out of every cent. All their stressful one-day discounts, crazy contracts and hidden costs, forcing us to make snap decisions and spend way more than we said we wanted to. It’s totally unfair and would make anyone mad, but because we’re brides, we get the blame. I mean, your wedding is the one time it’s advisable to have an attorney in order to go shopping. Are we the only people who see that’s unreasonable?
5) Bridal Boot camps. See, when troops go through boot camp, it is notably the worst experience of their lives and they can act as wretched as they want. But when we put ourselves through equally rigorous programs (carrot soup diets, single finger “engagement ring” push-ups) no one’s driving around with a bumper sticker supporting us, offering us badges of courage, or waving flags as we ride by in floats. Such painful injustice breeds….Bridezillas!
6) The gnawing reality that we will only be sleeping with one person for the rest of our life. What, you don’t think women care about that stuff?
7) The crippling inferiority of bachelorette parties to bachelor parties. We’re stuck painting spice racks and listening to Amy Winehouse while our other half parties it up table-top at the Venetian, and you wonder why we are depressed?
8) Stupid wedding dress sizes telling you that you’re an eight when you are a six. We have no idea when this conspiracy started, but nothing puts a girl in a bad mood faster than hearing her dress size is two times bigger than she thought it was-especially when she’s been on diet of straight grapefruit and gingerale for six months, but still has to pay $250 in alterations. Irritating!
9) Martha Stewart. We blame bridezilla syndrome on Martha for setting unrealistic expectations and making us feel super-guilty that we can’t, say, create our own origami swans in sugar cane cages. Sorry we were busy getting engaged and didn’t have a year in the slamber lying on a cot to master that particular craft. Also we hate her for creating burning resentment in our bridesmaids when we try and make them do it for us.
10) Not having a big enough ring, even though you have already figured out from jewelry commercials that the size of your ring is an exact correlation to the amount your groom loves and cares about you. It’s hard to remain plucky and cheerful with that kind of cold, hard science announcing your groom’s puny passion. What can we say? SIZE MATTERS.
Last but not least, no such blame list would be complete without at least mentioning media propaganda and or course, violence in video games. Burn in Hades, Women’s Entertainment Television.