Posted by Bridezilla on 30 Jun, 2009
We received some vicious hate mail from the anti-wedding brigade. And because it’s just so laughable, we decided to post it. Stay tuned for our response. Feel free to comment below and stick it to this bridezilla hater.
10 Reasons Your Bridezilla Wedding is NOT Special
I’ve been watching a lot of Bridezillas on TV lately, and after giving it a considerable amount of thought I’m pretty sure the reason for this is because I’m a masochistic idiot who doesn’t know how to avoid things that piss him off. As a result of sitting through multiple marathons of the infuriating show with my girlfriend (whom I’m beginning to love more and more for the mere fact that she’s not bat shit crazy), I’ve started to recognize a few patterns.
First of all, the awfulness of the bride is directly proportional to the amount of screen time she gets. The show does a masterful job of adjusting the amount of time spent on each bride so it’s in direct proportion to how much of a bitch she is. If you charted it out, it would look something like this:
However, if anything, this is a testament to the artisans behind the scenes, and their ability to capture unadulterated ugliness with more gusto than any horror film in our generation. Still, what’s most disturbing is that from watching this you begin to get the impression every bride thinks their wedding is special. It’s “their day,” all eyes are on them, and they’ve “been dreaming about this” their whole lives. Sadly, the reality is that aside from them and (possibly) the groom, chances are no one else is really all that excited.
It’s my hope that I can do the world a huge public service by offering up a few quick reminders to all the would be brides out there as to why your wedding is NOT all that special after all.
1) Millions of People Have Already Done It
Even though it might be your first go-round, it’s not like you’re the only blushing bride to walk down the aisle. According to 2005 estimates, there are about 6,000 weddings a day in the US alone. The very idea that yours is somehow a unique and beautiful thing to the rest of the world might be a tad conceited on your part. In fact, just because something is exciting to you, doesn’t mean everyone else shares your sentiments. Which brings me to my next point…
2) No One is Nearly as Excited as You Are
The friends and family you feel are obligated to lavish you with attention are only being polite. Obviously they do care about you, and want you to be happy, and they’re probably even excited for you, but that still doesn’t mean they want to talk about it ad-nauseam for the next six to twelve months. In fact, if you stopped gushing for more than 10 seconds at a time you’d probably notice the glazed over look in their eyes as they politely nod in agreement with whatever it is you’re saying.
3) There’s a Good Chance It’s Going to Fail
It’s no huge secret that 50 percent of marriages end in divorce, but just like tempting fate by eating at Arby’s or using the pull out method, everyone just assumes they’ll be one of the lucky few who avoid the life changing discomfort when things go horribly wrong. If you’re spending an obscene amount of money on your wedding, think about whether or not your family would be equally excited to shell out $30K or more for you to wager on a coin flip. My guess is they wouldn’t.
4) You’re (Probably) Acting Like an Entitled Bitch
Getting back to that whole “no one else really gives a crap” issue, the mere fact that you’re joining the elite group of 2.2 million others getting married this year does not entitle you to anything. Phrases like “Because I’m the bride,” and “It’s my wedding,” should be stricken from your vocabulary in less you’re actually going to follow it up with something that’s grounded in sound real-world logic. Your getting married in no way entitles you to anything you wouldn’t normally expect to receive.
5) Weddings Can Feel Like a Chore
Here’s where I let you in on an ugly little secret: most people don’t like going to weddings. Sure, sure, some people enjoy the occasional wedding (if only for the open bar), and there is the rare weirdo who truly enjoys watching two people “joined together in holy matrimony.” Unfortunately, the vast majority of us look at it as a basic social obligation and pretty much dread the waste of a weekend all the way from the moment we get your save the date card right up until the part where you finally say “I Do.”
6) Your Vendors Deal With People Like You Every Single Day
Florists, bakeries, limo services, tailors, and pretty much any other vendors you might come across while planning your wedding are all businesses that service people who are getting married. So, just because this is the only wedding that happens to be yours does not mean you should expect discounts, additional accommodations, or special treatment. They are all businesses like any other, and are trying to make money by offering a specific service.
7) You’ve Been Hyping it For Way Too Long
Just like the fourth Indiana Jones movie that had been rumored and buzzed about for years before it even started shooting, the more you talk about, plan, and hype up your wedding, the bigger the inevitable letdown. If you’re rocking the long engagement, maybe you should lay off the hype-machine until it actually gets a little bit closer to the date. Your wedding announcement for June 12, 2010 only makes us think this whole spectacle is probably going to be an overblown mess of special effects and bad acting.
8) It’s Costing Everyone Else More Than They Want to Spend
You might not care about your budget, and for you it’s easy to write things off as being a once-in-a-lifetime (potentially anyway) event. But, for everyone else keeping tabs on their finances it can quickly become a costly affair. Yes you expect a gift at the wedding, and that’s fine, whatever…but, if you’re going to do a destination wedding and expect people to shell out several hundred dollars because they love you soooo much, don’t be surprised when that gift ends up being from the cheapest part of your registry.
9) Sequels Are Never as Good as the Original
This one shouldn’t even need to be on here, but if you already did the whole “Princess Wedding” thing on your first failed marriage, just shut the hell up and go to the courthouse for wedding number two. Your fairy-tale opportunity is null and void because you already cashed it in on a losing hand. Chances are your friends still remember how the first one ended, and if they remember how shitty it was then they’re probably not overly enthused at the prospect of shelling out money for your follow up. Just ask M Night Shyamalan.
10) Your Excitement is NOT Contagious
Lastly, if excitement were contagious, every woman I’ve been with would have had an orgasm. But, sadly it is NOT contagious, and just because you’re totally stoked to be getting married doesn’t mean every random stranger wants to hear all about it. Additionally, just because they don’t care does NOT mean they’re “just jealous.” No one is jealous of your impending marriage. Honestly, your husband is probably not that much of a catch anyway, because if he was he wouldn’t be putting up with your Bridezilla ass.
So, make of those what you will, but please don’t interpret it for sour grapes. I know not all women are like this, and I know that not even most women are like this. However, the fact that there are even a handful of women out there who act like this is enough to cause serious concern, and whenever I spot a woman wearing a sequined tank top adorned with the word “bride” it’s hard not to assume the worst. You’re not the only bride out there honey, get over yourself.