Posted by jade on 09 Apr, 2007
1) The Bride of Chucky. She brings him back to life. He totally blows her off.
Topping our list of the most misunderstood brides of all time is definitely the Bride of Chucky. Despite being brutally rebuffed by the evil Chucky, this cute little doll is surprisingly mild in her retaliation.
For those of you unfamiliar with this particular piece of horror lore, let us expound. Tiffany, the Bride of Chucky, is kind of enough to bring her creepy doll boyfriend back to life. Like any would-be bride, The Bride of Chucky was excited when she discovered an engagement ring in her evil doll boyfriend’s things, and was looking forward to a romantic proposal. Her hopes are dashed however, when the dastardly toy tells her the expensive $6000 ring wasn’t meant for a proposal, but for the pawn shop. Crushing!
And yet, how does our girl respond? Does she even start head-spinning or chainsaw him into itty-bitty doll pieces like most horror movie heroines? No! All she does is throw him into a play pen, at which point Chucky promptly climbs out of and kills her via electrocution in the bathtub. It’s a tragedy really, sort of a reverse Romeo-and-Juliet tale.
So you see ladies, the Bride of Chucky, like so many bridezillas, was not a devil but just a woman driven by desperate love, now doomed as a villain unfairly for all eternity. Not to mention, her namesake is one of our favorite jewelry store of all time. RIP Tiffany.
2)Jayne Eyre’s Birtha Mason aka “The Mad Woman in the Attic.” She married him in good faith. He locked her in the attic and “took up” with the nanny.
Saddled again by a most unsavory eternal nickname, the rightfully-called Bertha Mason is the second most misunderstood bride of all time to make our list. This would-be bridezilla is described in the book as notably beautiful and is kind enough to leave her loaded family and the lure of tropical drinks in the West Indies to come romp Mr. Rochester for all eternity in his mildewed, drafty Victorian Manor. Hardly a fair trade if you ask us!
And how does the evil Rochester repay our dear bride? Construing her homesickness and Pina Colada withdrawal as clinical insanity, Rochester promptly locks her in the attic with only the town drunk for company and begins diddling the nanny one floor below. It’s pure tabloid fodder, and yet Bertha is the one who goes down in history for conduct unbecoming. Not cool!
3)The Runaway Bride. She loves him. He libels her.
Okay, so she has a teeny-tiny alter- jilting addiction. But who hasn’t fallen for the wrong guy a time or ten? It just takes this bridezilla a little longer to realize her mistake.
Then a totally misogynistic lazy reporter who thinks research is recreational writes a scandalous and untrue story about her seven jilted lovers. Overnight the poor Runaway Bride goes from small town scorn to national laughingstock-and the story isn’t even true! THEN, to make matters even more unbelievable, the guy moves to her town and starts basically stalking her; he is totally out to get her and set her up. It is an awful movie and the fact that the Runaway Bride actually falls in love with her evil persecutor is pure Stockholm syndrome, packaged as a Cinderalla story. Hideous!
4) Lady Macbeth. She helps him get promoted. He goes on a psycho killing spree. Sure Lady Macbeth gets portrayed as a cruel dominatrix, the bridezilla of all bridezillas, but deep down she is just a good ole housewife, concerned like any fine wife with her inability to remove tough stains and get a good night’s sleep. I mean, how many women do you know that are so dedicated to good housekeeping they commit suicide over their ability to get “out damn spots!” Ha!
Once again though, despite the fact that her husband was the one who committed all the murders at her mere constructive suggestion, Lady Macbeth is blamed and hated by all seventh grade English students for all time. Ooh, the wrongness!
5)Jack Spratt’s Wife. She wanted Big Macs, he wanted Broccoli. No wonder she was upset. We’ve all heard of her, though not by name. The poor Miss Spratt, who “could eat no lean” and was doomed to suffer cellulite from her uncontrollable appetite, while her spry husband of the gazelle-like metabolism was perfectly happy on a permanent Atkin’s diet. I mean, she might have just been premenstrual during the time this fable was written, and is normally a very controlled eater. Still, the whispers when they go to restaurants must have been unbearable. We seek to clear poor Lady Spratt’s name by saying she was probably just suffering from food cravings, and the cruel Jack should have had the common decency to engage in sympathy eating, which is in fact the very definition of true love.
6)Tess Harding, Woman of the Year. Give her back her orphan! A philanthropist who adopts refugees from other countries makes the next misunderstood bride on our list. No, we are not talking about Angelina Jolie. We are talking about Katherine Hepburn as Tess Harding in the movie Woman of the Year.
Clearly ahead of her time in this classic black-and white flick, Tess is this amazing catch who valiantly tries to learn to cook and clean and even cheerfully attends sports events with her boyfriend Spencer Tracy aka Sam Craig.
If Tess had been living today she’d totally be lunching with Madonna, but in this movie Sam Craig is so peeved at being a stay-at-home dad that he returns her orphan without telling her (huge no no) and makes her can her lifelong assistant in vicious Naomi Campbell style. He makes her feel super guilty about not paying enough attention to him even though she is just busy trying to promote altruism and justice in the world.Sad stuff, and all too common! You’ll always be woman of the year to us, Tess!
7)Miss Havesham. Everyone says she is a mental case, but really she is just highly monogamous. Okay, so this misunderstood bride keeps her cobwebbed wedding cake out and won’t take down any of her decorations after she’s left at the altar. Some people think this is raving mad. We think it’s romantic. The woman simply never gives up hope okay?
Also, while people think she was loony for flitting around in a faded wedding dress, we know she was really just a forerunner of the fashion “you-can-wear-it-again” movement. The real villain is the guy who jilted her on her wedding day. What a jerk!
8)Camilla Parker Bowles. She saw him first! Okay, we are as big a Lady Di fan as anyone else, but poor Camilla really did get the shaft. Elegant and graceful, she was far more regal material than the relatively working-class Diana, formerly a cocktail waitress and dance school teacher. Camilla was totally primed for the crown and then some Kindergarten Aide virgin sweeps in and steals her man! Cruel luck.
Camilla demurely waited another 33 years before marrying the true love that she met at a Polo Match while Diana was still yay high. Miss Bowles is also good at cool stuff like fox hunting, while decorative Di was only good at fashion and failing to conceal her affairs.
Last but not least, by divorcing her husband and marrying her true love, Camilla gives up her right to ever be Queen, which is very romantic if you ask us. Congrats to Camilla for redefining the bridezilla “other woman” stereotype. You are most misunderstood indeed!
9)Ursula the Sea Witch. She’s just using her assets to catch her man. Who could forget everyone’s favorite sea witch with the green thumb when it comes to poor unfortunate souls? Ariel wanted Eric and would do anything to get to him. So would Ursula. Eventually, both women deceive and disguise themselves in order to try and win the prince’s love. So what if Ursula just happens to be better at it than the dim-witted, utensil-impaired Ariel? And yet Ursula suffers one of the most excruciating fates of any bride on our list, while Ariel is esteemed in the bedrooms of little girls everywhere.
For the simple crime of impersonating a more beautiful woman (and wouldn’t we all, if we had magic powers) to marry the handsome prince Eric, Ursula is not only jilted at the altar, her lover harpoons her through the heart! The ultimate symbol of love’s martyrdom, it is therefore increasingly tragic that she is referred to always as “repulsive, rotund, and witchy” by a cruel and judgmental public. Also we all have to admit “Poor Unfortunate Souls” had such a better ring to it than that cheesy “Part of your World” drivel.
10)Beatrix Kiddo, Kill Bill. This bride’s got killer instincts, and we don’t blame her. Who else could top this list but “The Bride” herself, Beatrix Kiddo? After the opening film in which the would-be bride has undoubtedly The Worst Wedding Rehearsal Ever, we are able to feel sympathy for someone whose cold killing spree would otherwise seem unimaginable. But the death of people who allegedly killed your baby, almost killed you, and got blood on your ultra-expensive wedding dress? Rock on Uma. You are the most bad-ass bride ever. And P.S., your undying dedication to moving your big toe after four years in a coma is an inspiration to all of us who have had to struggle to get out of bed to make spinning class. Work it girl.