Bridezilla's Guide to Bridesmaid Beauty


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Bridezillas get a bad rap for applying bootcamp standards to bridesmaid beauty, but this is completely unfair. In reality, Bridezillas just want their girls to look and feel their best on the big day-a magnanimous motivation indeed! Bridezillas are much kinder than the real villains, those evil brides who deviously suggest their bridesmaids “wear whatever they want” and then snicker inwardly as their shabby hodgepodge maids parade dumpily down the aisle to adorn their gleaming Monique Lhullier clad self. Vicious!

In contrast, Bridezilla knows she is only at her best when she is bringing out the best in others-and a truly savvy Bridezilla knows there are better ways to achieve this glossy bridal ideal than requiring garish Paris Hilton hair extensions and skin the color of Clementines. In truth, spray tan mandates and fake hair is for the bourgeoisie bride attempting to achieve Bridezilla status through Stepford means. Here’s how a real Bridezilla gets a picture perfect wedding party on her big day.

Bridesmaid-Worthy Bodies

One of the main legends that earn Bridezilla her bad reputation is that she forces her bridesmaids to lose weight for her wedding. But let’s be honest here: if one bridesmaid is tubbily wobbling down the aisle like a bulldozer in the midst of ballerinas, sympathetic glances and catty murmurs are sure to abound, thus ensuring a horrible time for the bridesmaid in question which will only be starkly exacerbated by jarring one-of-these-things-are-not-like-the-other wedding photos. There is also the well-known mandate in wedding circles of the chubbiest-bridesmaid-denominator which dictates that bridesmaids dress selection be based on the most overweight person. While it is unfair to expect an obese person to have to cram themselves into a Nicole Ritchie sized sheath, it is equally unreasonable to make wedding party waifs wade down the aisle in oversized Lane Bryant bridesmaid dresses that dwarf their small frames and have to be hiked up every three seconds. No, there must be a better way, and Bridezilla has the answer.

As usual, Bridezilla’s only crime is in telling people to their face what other people would just say behind their back. However, there is something to be said for sensitivity in approach, so rather than bark orders at your bridesmaids to drop that extra dominos pizza slice and get her tubby ass on the trampoline, be a bit more graceful about your weight-loss aspirations.

One great way is to suggest that you and all your girls take a bridal bootcamp together. These wedding themed workouts combine the sort of grueling exhaustion and girly accoutrements (think sorority hazing) guaranteed to strengthen female bonding-while sneakily putting all your girls in shape for the big day, no bruised feelings necessary! And once the girls have the weight off, they’ll thank you for helping them feel gorgeous on your big day and beyond.

No Strapless Dresses

Brace yourselves ladies, Miss B is about to blow the lid off a bridal myth of hoop skirt proportions, and its not going to be easy to accept. Nevertheless, here it is: the global belief in the universal flattery of strapless dresses is patently false. There now! It will only sting for a minute. Yes, this atelier-and-fashion-mag conspiracy is a blatant attempt to cut corners on time- consuming sleeve and strap creation by conning the wedding party world into believing that dresses actually look better without straps. But this is obviously ludicrous.

For the 99.9% of us without steely Madonna arms and holocaust victim clavicles, strapless dresses expose flabby arms that flap like uncooked chicken cutlets on the walk down the aisle, as well as the dreaded back flab that bulges like rising dough over the back of our bridesmaid gowns. Unsightly!

The only truly flattering gown is the A-line three quarter length sleeve bridesmaid dress. This is the true perfect bridesmaid style for many reasons. Number one, it looks good on everyone. Number 2, if you buy it in a neutral color like burgundy or slate, it can be worn year round. Number 3, it can be dressed up or dressed down simply by switching shoes and accessories. Now that’s a truly brilliant bridesmaids dress.

Regrettable Trends

On that note, another super mean thing you can do to your bridesmaids is make them wear something uber-trendy that will be immortalized in pictures years later as The Most Embarrassing Thing Ever.

For example, I know a bride who forced her bridesmaids to wear those awful poof-popular jellie sandals with their bridesmaid’s dresses, and quite honestly I don’t think any of the maids have ever gotten over The Shame. Ditto goes for one- sleeved gowns or dramatic asymmetrical skirt styles.

Bridezilla’s view on trends is this: if you want to add some of-the-moment chic to your bridesmaid’s ensembles, by all means do so, but confine your urges to accessories and hairstyles. Funky pigtails and floating necklaces are far more forgivable than garden clogs with Chanel gowns. Here are a couple trendy but timeless accessories to try with you bridesmaid dresses.

The Tattoo Issue

Now this one is a toughie! In the battle of bridesmaid fashion, it seems nothing gets blood boiling quicker than the issue of visible branding of the non-Versace vein. Does Bridezilla demand that her bridesmaids get their tats laser removed before the ceremony, or does she allow them to taint her perfect Vera Wang wedding photos with their freaky forearm fairy caricature? Again, tact and subtlety are the answer. The ideal way to avoid this problem is to pick the kind of bridesmaid dresses we described above that will decisively shroud the majority of body ink. Also, if your bridesmaids sport the ever-trendy back of the neck tat, opt against updos in favor of a classic half-up half-down hairstyle. Problem solved!

The key is, deny to the death that your fashion motives have anything to do with your bridesmaids’ body art, lest the high-spirited lasses brand “Marriage is Manacles” across their foreheads just to spite you.Effectively placed necklaces, long sleeved gloves and ankle wrapping shoes are also good ways to get what you want without making waves, the signature of a true Bridezilla. On that note, just remember that all fashion mandates must apply to everyone equally in order to avoid raising suspicion.

If the bridesmaids tattoo absolutely cannot be fashion-disguised, ask her in private and kindly to cover it up on the big day, and offer to wear a fake tattoo in her wedding pictures as a show of goodwill. Also, if she agrees, allow her tattoo front and full coverage in the anticipation photo shoots or the bachelorette party to show that you do love her unique style, just not at your black tie affair. If she’s a true pal, she won’t let her Chinese friendship symbol get in the way of true friendship.

Hygiene Enforcement

Admittedly, Bridezilla’s definition of hygiene is a little more high-maintenance than most, but if you’re part of team Zilla and view bristly unibrows, grotesque roots and ragged nails as orphan-esque and unsanitary, Bridezilla has your answer for upgrading your bridesmaids looks on the big day.

Rather than holding down your bridesmaids and waxing them one by one (who thinks of something like that?), offer up one of those fun bridal spa days to get your gals groomed. To enhance the carefree atmosphere, make sure to find a spa that includes fun bridal extras like champagne with your manicure or screenings of “Father of the Bride” from your massaging pedicure chair. Fun times!

Set a good bridal example by being the first to brave the Brazilian or undergo eyelash tinting. Compared to your brave sacrifices in the name of bridal beauty, your maids will feel perfectly merry about getting their cuticles reshaped or their hair blown out. Wise work, Bridezilla!!

Some may call your methods brutal, but once you have your pretty maids all in a row on the big day, you will all know it was so worth it. By the time you’re done, every bridesmaid who’s ever had to wear a high-necked scarlet O’ Hara dress will be begging to be in your wedding. After all, it’s not every marriage that includes a makeover!

1 thought on “Bridezilla's Guide to Bridesmaid Beauty”

  1. Haha, while I agree that strapless gowns do not flatter everyone, I disagree with the common saying that they flatter no one. 🙂 I am one of those with a “Holocaust” clavicle. Yes us petites really do exist! 🙂 And we have siblings! One trend that is thankfully super forgiving these days is the one that says, “Okay, here’s the color and length, now pick out of these three styles… whichever looks best on you.” That’s what I am doing with my bridesmaids. No one has to go strapless!


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