Recently, Bridezilla asked her Groomzilla what he believed single women do on Valentine’s Day. Without missing a beat he replied, “Masturbate furiously while crying and clutching a copy of Pretty Woman.” To avoid this perilous (albeit hilarious) fate, as well as other dangerous V-words, such as vibrators and Vicoden, here are Bridezilla’s five fierce ways to celebrate V-day all by your single and fabulous self.
1Master Romy and Michelle Dance
Nix the sappy chick flicks, and round up your urban family (cynical best friend check, gorgeous gay friend check) for a night of Dancing Like the Faux-Post-it Inventors. Your personal Stanford or Anthony can be Sandy Frank, and in the spirit of V-day love, refrain from fighting bitterly with your bestie over which one of you in is the Mary and which is the Rhoda. Bridezilla Bonus Tip: Hit thrift stores beforehand to find the perfect plether and feather dance ensembles.Film and send to FunnyOrDie.
2Host and Judge a Tightie-Whitie Contest
Who needs the drag of monogamy when you could spend your V-day watching hoards of hot men parade around your apartment in their undies? The key here is quality control: hire bouncers and only post your Kinko’s- created flyers at sexy-men meccas like firehouses, gyms, and on your hot neighbor’s door. Winner gets to share a bottle of champagne with yours truly!
3Attend an anti-Valentine’s Day Party
No, we aren’t talking about some sad little affair at your spinster neighbor’s pad. Anti-Valentine parties, such as the one being hosted in Boston by Kevin Federline or in Seattle by The Stranger’s Dan Savage, are actually fun, elaborate affairs with agendas like destroying your ex-lover’s prized possession on stage. At the very least, spending your V-day with the National Loser Kevin Federline will remind you why being single is fabulous indeed!
4Get Girly.
If you love the sentimental stuff of Valentine’s Day, indulge in the more feminine side of the occasion. Cover yourself in Philosophy pink body products, layer on your coziest pink or red cashmere socks and hit up Estrogen Paradise aka Anthropologie. Challenge a girlfriend to finding a fifteen dollar gift for each other, like a compact mirror or silky camisole. Finish the night off with chocolate-covered stawberry (one, not twenty) while watching quirky indie films like Waitress and Once that celebrate love without being wrist-slitting.
5Go to a Gun Range.
In our experience, many people do adrenaline-inducing acts on Valentine’s Day to distract them from their solitude and loneliness on the most romantic day of the year. Bridezilla says, this year instead of sleeping with a stranger or piercing something unspeakable, why not have some good clean fun at the gun range? Borderline-Danger is Bridezilla’s favorite perfume!
For example here at the Watauga Gun Club, you can get a box of chocolates and a box of ammo to celebrate the special occasion. Does it really get more romantic than that?
Oh I am so in!
What better place to spent a solitary VD than at a gun range.
Bawhahahahahahahaha. That really brought out the zilla in me.