Top Ten Things Beneath Bridezilla


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1) DIY-anything. Bridezilla says, why do what you can delegate?
2) Synchronized dances. A la tuhuelpa legria macarena? Only in Cancun baby! If we wanted to dance to the YMCA all night, we’d crash our gay nephew’s prom in drag (whee, we love doing that anyway).
3) Pun-induced wedding favors. Bridezilla would never harass her guests with “perfect pair” pears or “love is sweet” Jordan almonds. That’s just sick!
4) Holiday Weddings. Bridezilla would never be that inconsiderate to her guests – nor would she ever allow her groom to get away with a two-for-one anniversary date! What is that, marriage by Mcdonalds?
5) Chain store wedding gowns. Hey, if the devil wore Prada, bridezilla wears Vera. In other words, if it’s not couture, its not ko-sher. There is no point in paying good money for a wedding gown that is not even custom fit to hide your wobbly bits, especially when everyone else in these extra-value-esque stores are college age brides on a shoestring budget wearing the same dress as you. Pass!

6) Mushy wedding toasts. Ewww, Bridezilla would never gross out her guests with that “I wuv you, Wittle Hunny Bunny” tripe. Bridezilla’s guests can expect nothing but polished, pet-name free wedding toasts.
7) Cake feeding. Bridezilla did not spend eight months on a cayenne pepper bender only to have cake mashed into her perfectly lipsticked mouth on the Big Day. Furthermore, watching couples cram cake into each other’s mouths and get frosting everywhere manages to be both disturbingly kinky and gluttonous, and ruins a perfectly elegant post-wedding toast moment. One fingerful of frosting is plenty, piglets!
8) Charity registries. Sorry, we would rather have nice serving platters than plant rice paddies in Phuket. Hate us if you want, but don’t expect us to invite you to our fabulous dinner parties.
9) Eloping. Bridezilla and Elvis impersonators do not mix. Bridezilla would never miss the fun of seeing her bridal dreams fulfilled after years of planning, so there is no way we are hopping a plane to Sin City just so our groom can relive his favorite frat-boy weekend. Vows in Vegas are for coked-up movie stars, not classy brides like ourselves.
10) Colored Wedding Dresses. We don’t care what anyone says; bright-colored wedding sashes are total tramp stamps, sullying perfectly pristine white gowns. Remember, walking down the aisle is no excuse for pronouncing how many times you’ve been around the block! Have the dignity to veil your colored past with an appropriately frothy white gown, and save the crayola shades for your bridesmaids (snicker snicker).

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